As my desire to know myself as consciousness grows, my other motivations have decreased. I no longer feel ambitious with regard to career; I no longer believe I must get married in order to be fulfilled; I no longer feel driven to create; I no longer believe that I am here to accomplish anything other than to know more intimately the truth of who I am. Yet I do not yet know freedom. I have a beloved teacher, and I spend time in Satsang, and alone in silence, and with other lovers of Truth. There is happiness in these simple activities when they are available, and clearly there is no turning back and resuming a life of materialistic striving. Yet there is a fear that I will live out my life as a perpetual seeker, at home neither in Presence nor in the world. Yes, I can shift my attention and notice the vastness in which this little drama takes place, but perhaps my cognition is just intellectual, a blurry noticing only at the fringes. There’s no joy in the noticing; I don’t know that vastness as myself. I long for the peace and freedom that others have described. Please help.
You have to ask your teacher for help. You have to ask for help from the best source available to you as far as you know, and that would be your teacher. To do so is to honor Truth. While paying a visit to the King, don’t cut corners. Travel first class!
Your letter tells me that you are a serious truth lover, and this love in you will eventually take you to the peace and freedom you are longing for. Enjoy the journey to the place where there is no voyager and where you have arrived at every moment.