I am living in a very different world where the lives of everyone else make no sense, yet my life makes no sense to me either. I feel completely separated from my mind and senses, yet not in control of any of them. Mind and senses desparately cling, and tightly clutch random things, yet I feel no attraction nor repulsion to them.
Dear Francis, I have no answers, no solutions…I desparately ask you this, why is my mind acting so weird, why can I not have control over the very things I want to say and do?
Be open to the possibility that everything, I mean absolutely everything that happens, be it in the world or in our mind, is in fact a cosmic event not very different from the wheather or the revolution of the planets.
There have been thoughts of death, ego death that are repeatedly going on in my mind. I have been reading the tibetan book of the dead repeatedly and I wanted to ask you if you have ever been through something like that, if its even real or just another glamorized spiritual concept. I do everything I can to run away from all advaita teachings and create distractions purposely in my world such as tv., music, daydreaming, games, hanging out with friends, etc, because its too darn painful to look at myself and search for the Truth within myself.
I dont want to run away from the truth, but at the same time, i feel like its the end of my journey….and that i would never be able to face the next step whatever it may or may not be.
Im sick of myself and the way i have set up this life around me….I want to leave, I want to go home. But how will i ever know whats the right path?
It is not the end of your journey, and you will be able to face the next step, whatever it may be. Stop judging yourself for what you do or don’t do. Understand that everything that happens is just the way the universe is unfolding at that moment, at that location. And there are many beautiful, interesting things waiting to happen. I am glad to hear you hang out with friends. It is normal to have your own circle of friends in addition to your family members. That is part of you becoming an adult and a free, independent being. There is no happiness where there is no freedom, and we have to conquer and assert our freedom to become a real truth seeker, for a truth seeker is in fact a freedom lover.
The first freedom we need to achieve is within our own mind. This freedom can be absolute. It is the freedom of our thoughts and of our feelings. This freedom is achieved through clarity, which comes as a result of not denying the facts, not judging oneself or others for anything, welcoming everything that arises within us with benevolent indifference. Achieving this freedom is not dependent on external circumstances. One can be in a jail, or subjected to intense psychological pressure by others and still be free inside through simply seeing the facts as they are. Freedom is the most precious of your treasures, and it is also your most fundamental right. With this freedom comes true love, which is love for the consciousness in all beings.